Lectures (2009-25-09)

It’s not like I have to be around him or any sort of emotional or supportive companion all of the time. It’s actually not a seldom event the one in which I am a genie among peers or associates. I guess right now I am referring to the point of solitude I manage to achieve between my several compromises. Today, I got to be. Yet I am forced to think, and to listen.

So I listened.

I could say I discovered how strongly I can be driven by inertia in the sense of running away from it. By listening I acknowledge once more how unsettled I am, and how much. I lust uncertainty, even to the point of danger. It’s probably from that where it derives my masochism, and maybe infrequent episodes of depression, accidents, helplessness, excess of happiness, and so on. My point is that, in the search of uncertainty juxtaposed with the search of stability by pretty much the rest of the world, I refuge in myself. The headache cuts the flow of self endorsement and I am forced to face the opportunism of the figure known as the other. Funny thing, because she shows up once my working memory starts to fail and I will deal with the issue of confronting a person.

It’s a hyperbolic scheme. A person in front of my eyes and it’s impossible to gain the minimal focus on myself. My only exit is to let me go into the eyes of the one in front of me. An inquiry thus becomes a quarrel for the part of my soul living in the guts of the interlocutor.

A glance, then, is an act of admiration. A kiss, is a demonstration of spiritual want. And, a sex, well, a sex is…

Lectures 1

Even thought I see him as my neurologist professor, I would not like to commence thinking of him as a pathological being of the likes of teachers and instructors. Not because he is too different from the others. This is just about a matter of approach.

I've seen him only a couple of times. I must clarify I'm an economics student and I did not choose medicine due to a thought of shortness of mind. Soon I realized how such small gap among disciplines and crowds of people belonging to those was no issue abroad. I'm still here, nevertheless.

Sadly it came a point where my so-called science became predictable and the part of my brain craving for ulterior challenges started to grieve. I noticed quickly how advances in neural science came from all sources. There was basement research coming from low income regions in East Asia that turned out to be just as relevant as the ones coming from the top universities in the Western. I really could not tell the ways and directions I'm driven into, what really drives me, but I could say there are subjects currently evolving and being considered as cutting edge: AI, TOM, Supertrings, post-dramatic theater, and Complexity Science. I follow the blanks, simply put.

I finished the Faust des Spiesz over a year and a half ago and life has not been the same ever since. Sure real events occurred since then but in general terms, «my molecular structure did not fall from stability», as my professor would say. The book from where I admit I only got sorrowful fractions is still nurturing my ideas and the world surrounding me. The professor, at my first psychiatry session in his practice, easily spotted a number of issues that stroke me badly. As if I was a huge pop or advertising frame after his eyes. What did I expect?

– Ideas are one true source of ecstasy for you. The bigger and the more invading they are, the better. I am right now, for instance, a big idea you can’t turn your eyes from.

There he was with his narcissistic speech I identify with so much. As resounding as always, as pleasurable to have his only company as the other sources of physical delight I have so successfully tasted. I especially enjoy his hands swinging along the rhythm of his explanation. I certainly did not want to look naïve or speechless at him. My equally overcoming ego would not let his casual words get such a critic tone on me. I would fight back, defeat him and feed with his shredded flesh. I would be content with that metaphorically this time.

– I know you don’t underestimate me. Ideas that are big or belong to major scopes are nothing but mere steps toward a concept of its own. And do not forget that this idea, yet to be reached, will provide me with validity.

– I can see clearly your existence depends on the idea of the integrated myth, as a rational quest. I also couldn’t help to notice how you mention your objective so human, so close to your own understanding. How can you tell from this point the distance you are from and the dimensions it would employ?